Making Friends and being confident

K so I couldn’t remember any of the topics that I wanted to write about so I decided on this one just now LOLO

Being confident is something that is amazing when you become so confident that you don’t have to think about how to BE confident.

I remember when I used to have anxiety so bad I would be sick almost every morning in the toilet in school because I was just wondering what kind of problems i’d have with LESSONS , PEOPLE and just  EVERYONE

People were a problem for me, but as a problem back then I really didn’t think about it.

Until like year 10/11 when I suddenly became depressed (probably, it felt like what depression would feel like ) and I couldn’t DO ANYTHING AND I WANTED TO DIE but not by suicide, I just wanted to fall asleep forever which is what a lot of people do. I never thought about suicide and I still will never think about it.

Suddenly all the bonds I had with people were just like broken and I HATE BEING DRAMATIC but this is literally what it was. I felt like it was gross if I went to the toilet to HIDE so in a way my spirit wasn’t fully broken, but when I finally decided to go to the bathroom and sit for a while, I knew that wouldn’t be the last time I did that. I wish I never started sitting in the toilet stall sometimes to be honest, it started a chain of me sitting on the toilet some days when I just didn’t want to talk to people – instead of actually trying to talk to people.

I am EXTREMELY SURPRISED BY THE PERSON I AM TODAY

I am EXTREMELY HAPPY and you know that feeling that people talk about when they marry their husbands/wives? That they never thought they could be this happy?

I feel this happy with myself.

It took me 2 years but I did it.

The answer is to think from someone else’s point of view. You have to pretend you’re someone else, watching yourself enter a room and wondering if you’d be friends with them. Once I started thinking of myself this way, I realised I was what I thought of as weak, and when I was younger I was always talking about being a Knight because I wanted to protect people or something lmao and now I was one of those weaklings. If I were in a castle I’d be like the MESSENGER BOY at that point. I don’t even know if castles had that, I’m imagining an elf but that’s besides the point

I thought of the other person’s point of view when they were speaking to me and I realised my voice was WAY too quiet, I started being louder and people responded better to it, and I found my way and fell into step.

I set myself small goals like asking a question in class ONCE, or talking to A CERTAIN PERSON or asking for a PEN from a particular person before I left, because if you do that then you realise that you can actually do this, and that depression isn’t something you live with forever because you can get rid of it if you do the right things.

After that I was THE LIFE OF MY ART CLASS, it was just fun all the time (actually I can’t remember if it was before or after the depression) –  but it made me realise how fun life could be if I were louder and more MYSELF which is an annoying thing to say because I think anyone can be whatever they want when they choose, and I don’t really think someone has a core self because you can ultimately teach yourself to like something even if you hate it first.

THE FEELING THAT IS ULTIMATE HAPPINESS IS WHAT I CALL

ETERNAL SUMMER

the feeling when the sun pours through the window and all the doors are open, and your curtains are lime green and the wooden floors are cold and the breeze is blowing  – this feeling of ultimate happiness is basically what Miley Cyrus probably feels like when she gets on stage, because Miley don’t give a shit and she’s just extremely happy at this point in time

Like I thought that she was inappropriate too until I saw her interviews, and she told everyone that the Miley back then when she was Hannah Montana was something she liked doing and someone she liked being at THAT POINT IN TIME, but now she’s this person and she doesn’t understand why people waste their time hating because she’s just really happy.

I like her because of that because I realised that a lot of people don’t know what that amount of happiness feels like because they’ve never let themselves go, and for people who have depression right now, I REALLY WANT THIS HAPPINESS FOR YOU

This neverending outpour of happiness is something that you can have, but even though depression is shit, I have SUCH A GOOD understanding of other people now. I always tried to make other people feel better, but depression wasn’t something I could talk about before, but now I’m kind of glad I have it because I realise how soul destroying it feels and all I want to do is help.

I literally talk about anything, so if you have depression or not, you can just drop me a message. I don’t care who you are, but if you’re feeling anything (literally anything) that you want to talk to someone about, I’m forever here.I won’t stop messaging you because i feel like I want to stop or because you’re annoying, I’m just here.

I don’t know if this post did anything because everything is a mess FFS EVERY POST IS A MESS

BUT IF ANYONE IS STILL LEFT ON THIS BLOG, THANK YOU FOR READING. I hope you end up achieving eternal summer.

GOOD NIGHT TO YOU

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