In this post, I’m going to write like a logical person, and I find this makes my thoughts more reasonable.

It’s the summer and I feel a strange foreboding feeling. I have been anxious since 2 days ago, or even a few days ago when my parents came back from their holiday and I felt a huge loss of freedom. I’m at the age of 20, an age of exploration and doing anything and everything I can do in the world. I’ve never had a boyfriend. It would be good to experience love one day, but all in all I never really needed someone else. I know enough from crushes to know that the feeling is amazing, though. 

It seems trivial, but to me, my parents returning from Iceland has given me a profound sense of loss. This is also when I finished watching Fresh Prince. I’m rewatch the whole thing  again. This worrisome feeling I have permeating through me, even when I’m on the train, is dehabilitating to say the least. My body feels warm on the inside, and not because today is a rare, hot summer’s day in London. It’s because I don’t want to go home anymore. 

I don’t like myself with my friends when I’m with her, she changes my whole personality and I’ve spent years trying to work with her but I realise it’s not my fault, it’s always been hers. 

And she wonders why I’ve changed from the mild mannered child when I was a kid to a loud bitch who talks all the time, but the answer’s always been that I learnt who I was while growing up, and realised that while you can control a child, you can’t control a growing girl. 

Tonight I’ll pay to go swimming, and I will enjoy the beginning of my summer. 


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